I'm trying.

Things have been weird lately. Events that normally anger me have left me feeling very indifferent, which is good, but also a bit concerning. I don't really feel like going into specifics, here.

I've been sleeping surprisingly well, even though these headaches still hit me every now and then, sometimes at work, but usually when I get home and right before I try and sleep.

About work, too, it's been alright. I've been not letting it get to me. That place isn't worth getting overly angry about. Not even close. I mean, I still get frustrated, but shit happens, right? so I get angry for the moment and let it fade as opposed to keeping it with me all night.

I wrote a few new things recently, but ended up not really liking them at all, so they've pretty much been scrapped or at least reduced to sitting in the "random jots" pile for now.

I pray for some creativity. It's frustrating how I use it as an outlet (one of my very few), and all these thoughts and feelings are swirling around in my head, yet... I can't get them out, or transform them into something worth reading, or more importantly, something I'm okay with other people reading.

Maybe that means my thoughts and feelings are useless.

Story of my life.

Royalty...

Queen Elizabeth visited Edmonton recently, I think it was a few days ago. I don't know and don't really care. The thing that got my attention was the ceremony and all these other activities she took part in... and how much it cost. It seems the price of having royalty in your city costs over 4 million dollars.

To call it a waste of money wouldn't do it justice. I can't think of a word to describe how insane that is.
I bet the mayor and the planners made good use of that 4 million making real sure the parade didn't run past the countless homeless people who call the city streets home, or through the dilapidated neighborhoods that dot the landscape.

Money well spent, eh?

Star Wars: Revenge of the rampant CGI

I saw Revenge of the Sith today. It was better than I expected. The last Star Wars film I saw was Episode I and it was pretty terrible.

I'm not a huge fan, but I was entertained pretty much the entire time. Though if further proves my thought that George Lucas couldn't write decent sounding dialog if his life depended on it. Some of the scenes between Anakin and what's here name were almost laughable. Maybe it's just the actors, but I don't think so.

I've also decided I'm pretty much the king of Monkey Billiards in Super Monkey Ball 2.

Back at 'er.

This morning my boss called me and asked if I would be interested in coming in to discuss why exactly I quit. I agreed to do so.

When I got there I was greeted by the Manager (dumb) and my supervisor (dumber) we had a nice long discussion about my problems versus their needs.

I got to get my piece in, which felt nice. Truth be told I'm not one to "raise my voice" unless absolutely necessary, so it was cool.

I did admit to the fact that I regretted just walking out, that is not something I'd normally do. It's just incredibly irresponsible among other things.

After much talk, some lecture and a bit of the proverbial dick sucking on their part came the question to which I agreed.

I'm back at work tonight.

I agreed to this for a few reasons.

I am truly lost when it comes to knowing what to do next. I realized I do not want just another job, they are all the same to me, whether I'm doing this, pumping gas, working with my dad, etc.
It makes no difference. I'd hate every one of them equally. None of the options before me at this time afford me any great deal of happiness.

I figure I've been there long enough, and make decent money, so it's worth earning that money while I get my life together. The next job I get isn't going to be just a job, it's going to be something I love and enjoy. Call it a career if you want.

I pretty much wasted the first 21 years of my life, if I have to waste the next 21 trying to figure myself out, then so be it.

I no longer give a shit.

It hurts so good.

I have been getting these little, yet incredibly frequent and annoying headaches lately. They just sort of sit there in the very back of my head, kind of near the base of my neck.

I don't do anything about them, just sort of deal with it. In fact, I can't remember the last time I took a Tylenol or Aspirin..or any such pill in order to snuff out the pain. It has, quite literally, been years.

I don't consider myself all that health conscious, yet I am very, very stubborn when it comes to medicating. I just don't really see a need for it, 99% of the time. It seems headaches and other minor pains are somewhat natural, and the body is more than capable of dealing with them.

I'm also more than a little paranoid about what exactly is in said pills, and how and why it affects people.

People these days are pill crazy. At the slightest hint of a headache or something else, they reach for the bottle. I know people like this.

That has never seemed right to me...actually, I see it is pretty damn crazy. Though I'm sure many would tell me that sitting here with a throbbing pain in the back of my head and not being too bothered by it is just as crazy.

For a minute there, I lost myself.

So last night I quit my job.

Believe me when I tell you it has been a long time coming. The last while, I could not even set foot in the place without getting pissed off.

There are many reasons why, People (idiot higher-ups) being the one that really gets to me. No matter how angry you get on a nightly basis, no matter how much you try and tell them, it's always the same thing.

Now I'm here, even more lost and confused, but just a little more free.

I honestly don't know what happens from here.

I've thought of going back (it seems I have the option) but if I did, it would not be for any large amount of time. Just long enough to...I don't know, think things over and make money in the mean time.

That, or start looking for a new job. Maybe talk to my dad.

Either way, my time with that place is pretty much done.

See this movie.

I finally saw the film Zero Day.



I had to order it online after not being able to find it 'round these parts.

I first heard about it sometime last year and wanted to see it very badly, but unfortunately it did not see a wide spread theatrical release (as is the case with plenty of good films, it seems) so I was pretty much out of luck, and counted the days until a DVD release.

It is basically the video diary of Two kids who are planning an attack on their highschool.

The entire film (well, most of it) was shot using hand-held cameras, and usually from the perspective of one of the two main characters.

At first you are hit with a "this is a documentary" type feel, but it quickly starts to feel incredibly real thanks to the perspective and "amateur" type look.

I cannot recall a movie that has made me feel the way I did watching this one. You get to know the characters. They talk to their families and to each other just as we all do. You begin to see just how normal they are..

and at the same time you are left completely chilled more and more as the movie progresses. The climax, of course, is displayed all too realistically and will no doubt stick with me for days.

I enjoyed it immensely for its unique portrayal into the minds of these two guys and for being, more than anything, a film driven by character. One can also not discount the message it provides us all.

Very highly recommended.

Sidenote: It's also a bit of an inspiration, as Ryan, Trevor and I have tossed around some ideas for a short film of some kind.
It proves without a doubt that great film making can be achieved using little.

I AM a nerd.

Because I'll be glued to my computer all morning waiting for news from E3 (the BIG video game expo)

Also:

Nintendo owns my soul.

That is the new system which allows FREE wireless online play and downloading of older Nintendo games (from all systems)

Now you can actually use the word "sexy" when describing an electronic device and not sound like a moron, I've decided.


A lifetime of choking leaves you blue.

You know, as much as I consider myself "lost and confused" with all this life stuff, I think I know a great deal more about who I am than most people do about themselves.

I know why I am the way I am (mostly)
I know why I make the decisions I make (however bad they may turn out to be)
I'm constantly in touch with, and following my personal morals and beliefs (..Though some might not believe it, and others might see it as being stubborn)

It doesn't exactly make me feel better about myself, but I think it does mean something.

I've seen a lot of people cross themselves for stupid reasons..Or no reason at all, and I wonder how and why they do it without noticing. Or why they keep doing it.

I mean, the same things I mentioned above have sometimes been responsible for more headaches and problems then I'd like, but that's life. It's me.

I guess it just affords some sort of ridiculous comfort at times like this. In a world where nobody knows what is going to happen next, or why.

I've got to look somewhere for comfort.

For sale:

One Ibanez GSR 200 bass guitar. Barely touched, well kept, frustrating to play.



Seriously though, I really, really want to be good at it. Most people will say "just keep playing and practicing" thing is, I get discouraged easily, when I can't make the sound I want to make or play the line I want to play.

I know pretty much nothing about it, I just sort of do what feels right, and while there really isn't anything wrong with that, I am seriously considering lessons at least to get down some elementary stuff.

I've had the guitar for two years now and I can probably count the number of times I've sat down and actually played for more then a couple minutes on one hand.

I get inspired every now and then, but it doesn't seem to take me very far. I don't know, I should probably just keep at it, no matter how horrid it sounds.




Random thoughts

- Hot hot heat fucking hot hot SUCKS. That is some seriously annoying music.

- The warmer weather is already making it hard for me to sleep during the day, it's only going to get worse. I always sleep with a fan on, I simply need the noise or I cannot sleep, but now I'm going to have to keep it blasting cold air directly on me, I think. Maybe yesterday was just a bad day.

- Still debating getting a haircut. It's more or less in the awkward "not short, but also not long" phase. I'll probably end up letting it go nuts until mid summer or something. I'm very lazy and one of the things I really dislike is to sit in a high chair while some girl makes small talk with me as she chops away with her scissors.

Shitty night of work, but at least it went by quickly enough. Ever since I've got home I have been completely bored though.

I feel there is plenty to do..I just don't want to do any of it.. so I'll just sit here all day until I feel tired enough to try and sleep.

I'm so pissed I could spit!

Today I got some new movies, one of which was The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou.

I saw the film in theaters and was incredibly impressed by it. Wes Anderson is one the greatest directors alive today. Every single one of his films feature an incredible mix of odd humor, action and even scenes that are VERY touching.

When a film can take you on a ride through all those emotions in under two hours, that's pretty impressive. The guy is a genius.

Also, here is a shot of me in my (cheap, but free with purchase!) team Zissou cap

To hell with this being awake shit.

I don't think there is anything better than sleep.

It's amazing how much of an escape it is. You can pretty much just disappear for a few hours.

You can hit the pause button on every single thought and problem that has been drilling into your brain.

You can take a break from all the things you merely put up with because you have to.

That's incredible.

So back I go.

It was a sick sense of accomplishment..

Ever feel changed or different without really knowing why? and from out of nowhere?

That's me.

I've some ideas..but certainly none that should really equal how I feel right now.

I think I need to get out of here. Get away from everything that has become too familiar.

I've been putting some thought into quitting my job and going to work with my dad. I'd be away from here a whole lot more..so that solves one thing.. and if I'm going to be doing a job I don't give a real fuck about, I may as well be making good money doing it.

It could just be me functioning on nothing but caffeine and three hours sleep, but..It's a realistic option that appears very enticing right now.

yeah..

Seriously now.

I cannot believe how awesome the band M83 is.

I first heard their music in the trailer for the Russian film Night Watch: Nochnoi Dozor Upon hearing that awesome snippet I did some research and ordered me some CD's.

Incredible, great sounding band. I was in awe the first time I heard some of the songs.

I suggest giving them a listen. If you like electronic music, they are for you. If you like rock, they are also for you.

Take a look at my (crappy, I admit) review for more info.

I love finding new, great music that simply moves me like nothing else.

It's one of the few things that make me happy.

That.. and gum that tastes like soap.

Thrills

Look what I found:



I don't know where you guys all come from, but around these parts this fine, fine chewing gum has been hard for me to find for a long time (or maybe I was never looking hard enough).

It's "the gum that tastes like soap" as the package used to say. And it does, but there is something so oddly delicious about it..

I found some in a little "everything" store in the mall, I bought four packages and received a slightly odd look.

tasty.


Cars (BMW and Mercedes not allowed)

Over the last couple of days I have been researching (mostly on the web) new cars to buy/lease/finance.

My parents, out of nowhere, bought a new Ford 500 (or five hundred? I don't know) it's pretty nice I guess, not my cup of tea, but all wheel drive is great. So I got to thinking I wouldn't mind something a little newer and more reliable.

I'm by no means rich or wanting to spend the rest of my life paying off some loan, so I'm leaning toward cheaper cars, 20,000 or so.

Which is kind of hard. Most cars are not cheap.

My dad suggested a Ford Focus. Aside from just not liking Ford that much, they aren't exactly all that nice looking to me (could certainly do worse, though)

Also thinking about a Cobalt (thanks Ryan) add a spoiler to that thing and it looks half badass, add a supercharged engine and it's even more enticing..but costly.

Of course, what I really want is a Subaru Impreza or WRX STI, but the cost on any of those, starting from a base model, adds up rather quickly.

More realistically, I want an older Toyota Supra, late 80's or early 90's. Those things were NICE (mmm, hatch). I prefer the "boxy" look of older cars, and the engine in them is insane (with turbo). They are just very, very hard to find, it seems..When you do, though, the seem to always be in great shape.

So I either hold out and look around for a Supra, hopefully finding one that could be financed at a cost of around 12,000 at most or keep looking at newer cars and get caught up in the chaos of all that.

We'll see.

Title goes here.

I saw The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy last night with Trevor.

I'll say it was good enough to watch and sit through, but by no means excellent. I'd say it's borerline mediocre.

The problem is, the books are constantly going off on tangents and switching gears, which is part of their charm, this type of craziness does not necessarily convert all too well to movie form, so instead we get to see a few of the funny bits, less of the crazy bits.. and we're treated to what feels like some overdone love story between Arthur and Trillian.

I wouldn't go so far as to say Douglas Adams is rolling in his grave (like some critics) but I feel his cleverness is certainly all too bastardized in this film version.

Then again, what did everyone expect?

Worth seeing, but still glad I only spent $5 on it.

Fuck everybody.

You know what the worst part about my job is? (aside from moronic managers and supervisors)

It's the fact that 91.4% of my co-workers feel they only have to come to work when it suits them.

I can't count the number of times I've woke up feeling like absolute shit and said to myself "okay, I'm gonna get my job done and leave as soon as I can" .. I also cannot count the number of times I've had those plans completely ripped apart and had to do a hell of a lot more than I should, all because three or four irresponsible pricks just didn't feel like working their shift.

That lack of responsibility must feel real nice.

Maybe I should make a habit of it, too.

Pricks.

Hey deadhead. Take a bite of peach

On the way home from work this morning I suddenly had the taste of blood in my mouth. I didn't think much of it (but refused to swallow) and decided to get some gas.
When I stepped out I spit onto the pavement and noticed a pretty extreme amount of blood mixed with the saliva that had built up.

All my teeth are still where they should be, and I've no cuts or anything in my mouth as far as I know, so I have no idea where all the red stuff came from, or why.

I was coughing like absolute crazy last night.. you know, the kind of dry annoying cough that doesn't go away no matter how hard you clear your throat or how sick the noises you make are.

I guess it's possible my throat got really irritated and bled some..or is it? I don't know. It hasn't happened again, so I'm not sure.

Today I watched the first season (DVD) of a show called "Spaced" It's a British series starring Simon Pegg and and a lot more of the cast from Shaun of the dead. I'll spare the details, but it's absolutely brilliant and incredibly hilarious, especially the one where the main Character, Tim stays up all night playing Resident Evil after taking speed, and then hallucinating about zombies attacking everybody.

If the TV shows here were half as funny as this, I might actually watch them.

Only bad part is I ordered the DVD set from Amazon in the UK, so in order to watch them I had to burn and convert them from region 2 to region 1..which is a lot more annoying then it sounds, trust me.

I need a region free player.

I need to go to sleep.

who the hell gets married, anyway?

I just got back from a wedding.

My Cousin Adrian Got married to some girl who I don't know and don't care much about.

He's a great guy, but we hardly ever see each other, or anyone from that side of the family, so, in all honesty, it meant pretty much nothing to me.

My older brother ended up not going, which meant I had no ride home (I rode with my parents) so I had to stay the night in the hotel, which really, really pissed me off. I did not plan on that.

The dinner and junk all ended around 9 ish, and after that I just went up to my room and watched crappy TV all night while other people remained downstairs getting drunk and such.

While sitting, I also came upon a few conclusions:

1. I'm not down with the whole party atmosphere, and every day I start to think of myself as a real, legitimate anti-social. This means I'll probably die alone....

2. But dying alone does not bother me... Because...

3. Weddings are retarded and I never want to get married. Ever.

I took some pictures but I'm too lazy to upload and sort through them at the moment, so I'll just leave you with this one of myself in deep thought wondering to myself "what the fuck am I doing here?"