There it goes.

Well. Suppose I should update.

Last Tuesday I went to the doctor about my arm. Got some magic pills. About an hour after I left the place I got myself a nasty fever, a pounding headache and a serious case of the shakes. This all hit me very suddenly while standing in a super long line in the middle of a very crowded HMV which made it even worse.

So I paid for my stuff and got the fuck out of the mall.

I then proceeded to sleep about 13 hours a day for the next two days. After feeling like crap I decided to go back to the doctor. I was told to basically do what I'd been doing, which is drink a lot and sleep, sleep, sleep.

Some kind of bug he said, but you know. I'd almost rather be puking and shitting constantly than have to put up with the shit I've been feeling.

He also gave me a form for a blood test that I should take to the lab if I wasn't feeling better in a few days. I ended up going in yesterday and getting it done. Because why not, really?

All told, I missed four days of work, and I know they are pissed at me. And the bitch thinks I'm lying or something, so I got her a doctors note, which will hopefully shut her the fuck up.

I don't call in sick unless I'm fucking sick. And the past five days or whatever have been complete fucking shit to me. Every waking moment was fucking horrid.

I manned up and did the family outing on Christmas eve, and again tonight. I did leave a bit early though. Enough is enough and I just want to sleep.

I'm definitely feeling better, but still crappy enough to not really want to do anything I really don't have to.

It was nice to see everyone again though, and I got a decent haul of movies, games and all that good stuff.

So another Christmas down the drain. It's kind of nice to see it go. Although I admit I avoided a lot of the hectic shit since I was passed out the week before the big day. Awesome.

Oh yeah, and imagine my surprise when I woke up during one of those shitty days and saw this guy:



I guess it was some kind of early Christmas present. The kind that chases you and bites your pant legs relentlessly.

Anyway, Merry Christmas to you all. I hope you guys had a good last couple of days, and that you got to spend it with some people you care about.

So I lopped it off at the wrist.

For the past couple of days now I've had a strange feeling/pain in my right arm.

When I rotate it or lift it up above me I can usually hear and feel a delightful "pop" and that is enough to bother me.

what's more though, is that stretching my arm out and holding it away from my body causes it to get tired very quickly. Driving, for instance. Holding my hand out on the wheel is hard to do because after about 30 seconds it feels as if I've just done a half an hour work out.

What the hell?

I thought maybe I pulled/fucked something up from playing my Wii. Fucking Red Steel and its sword swinging will be the end of me, but it could also just be from work. I've been doing more and more every day.

And then of course it could be something else all together. I have no idea. Even right now there's a sort of numb pain in it and it's fucking irritating.

letting it go completely limp and resting it in my lap seems to be the only way to make it feel better.

Whatever. It fucking sucks and I hate it. I think I need a fucking vacation. I guess if it gets any worse...I'll get it looked at, but I'd really, really rather not have to do that.

I can't be the only one...

Who isn't feeling the whole "holiday cheer" bullshit this year.

I mean, There are 10 days until Christmas and it doesn't even feel like December to me. Throughout the years my feelings for the holiday have lessened every year, but there's usually something that pulls me in and makes me say "hey, Christmas time. Cool" But I'm not feeling it.

We don't have any lights or decorations up. We don't even have our tree up. Nobody really seems to care or mind.

On top of that I have done absolutely no shopping. I just don't care. My family never made it very easy, though, as everyone was/is late writing lists or letting me know what they want. (I am not the type of person who just buys people things. I hate, HATE when somebody tells me to just figure something out. That's bullshit.)

I don't really mind feeling this way, though. I never really thought of Christmas as all that big a deal. But I still enjoy it for what it is, and the memories I have when I was younger.

Like I said though, it's getting worse every year. Complete and utter indifference is killing it.

Oh well. Guess I'll have to head out sooner or later and buy people stuff they don't really want.

Fun.

Perhaps on Christmas eve when I'm with my extended family at my grandma's place it will finally hit me.

Or maybe I'll just see it as an excuse to eat delicious turkey and perogies (God bless our Ukrainian heritage).

and you can't open the door, cause there's too much blood on the knob!

Well I just saw Apocalypto with my pal Trevor and I just wanted to say it was perhaps the best film I've seen all year.

Mel Gibson, I salute you. Also, since you don't seem to want to be in the next Mad Max film and it's depressing me greatly, the least you could do for me is keep directing cool shit like this, you crazy bastard. I love you, man.

I like the fact that it's filmed in the real language. How many times have we seen Germans speaking English to other Germans in war movies and shit. Stuff like that has always bothered me on a small level. I guess because a lot of people hate subtitles, but I'm here to tell you you're a bitch if you think it takes away from the experience.

Also still on the subject of movies I watched Terminator 2 today for the first time in a long while and was reminded again that it is the best action movie ever made. I will never, ever get sick of watching it.

Seriously I've probably seen it over 100 times. I wouldn't be surprised. So good.

Goodnight moon.

Ikea.

Yesterday my nose began bleeding while I was showering.

As I watched the blood mix with the water and swirl away down the drain I realized that somehow, for some reason, I've never felt closer to death.

And I don't mean at that moment because of the bleeding or anything. I mean, it's a feeling I've had for the past couple weeks and it's something that at that time finally hit me.

For the first time in a long time I feel, for some reason, that I'm actually running out of time.

It is a weird way to feel. Like my body is trying to tell me something, maybe. Or maybe not. It's all surely in my head because all they are is thoughts.

So I am constructing a list of things I'd like to see or do before I die. Here are a few excerpts in no real order:

- See Mogwai play live. This would be one of the greatest moments for me. To sit there and revel in the beauty is something I would not soon forget. Seems like I'd have to go to Scotland for this. If they ever come anywhere near here, I am going. Trevor is coming with me.

- Get shot. No, seriously. Don't ask why. I want to know what it feels like to be shot. If there was a way to get a guarantee of not dying or getting very seriously injured, I would have someone shoot me. I don't know where would be best, really, I'm guessing maybe in the ass would be safest. But it might not hurt as much. I don't know. I'll think about it.

- Visit Iceland. You may or may not already know this is one of my wants. Very possible, too. It's just one of those things you keep putting off. Telling yourself you will plan it and look into it, but you never do. One day I will though. I'll go there and I know I'll love it.

- go deep sea fishing. I've always wanted to catch a mother fucking shark just so I can say I have.

- Learn to really play my guitar(s) and actually create something worth listening to. This sounds simple and actually is, but it's another one of those things in my life that always gets pushed aside. Hopefully this one will happen and one day Trevor and I will jam together. Maybe that guy from Calgary, too. He's alright.

- have Stephanie change her journal name to "The Legend of Stephanie: a journey through space and time" because the other one rubs me the wrong way.

And so on.

It's not as if I'd be heartbroken never having seen or done these things. They aren't goals or anything. Just thoughts and ideas and things I dream about from time to time.

I don't really know why I feel the way I do. Normally I don't care one way or the other about life and how I spend it. That's the honest truth. I'm still alive simply because I'm still alive. I do what I do because I do what I do and am fine with just existing.

I'm quite sure it will pass and by next week everything will be as it was before.

The same.

P.S. fuck nosebleeds. what the hell?

Wow.

Today I beat Zelda: Twilight Princess. No hints, no strategy guides no spoilers. It was all me and I enjoyed the hell out of it.

It is without a doubt one of the best overall gameplay experiences I have ever had. The entire thing is pure mother fucking gaming bliss.

There's still tons of shit I can do, like find all the heart pieces, upgrades, side quests, etc. I am by no means completely done with the game.

I remember when I got Ocarina of time. I literally explored every single inch of that game. I'll probably do the same with this one.

The only bad part is knowing how long we'll have to wait to see another Zelda game. It's downright depressing, but worth it in the end because these games are on a whole different level than most.

Now what? My life feels somewhat more empty without an epic quest awaiting me.

Also, Best final boss battle in the history of the series. I can't remember the last time I gripped a controller so tightly and intensely. Fucking awesome.

fuck u all today

do u ever feel like just cutting ur wrists and going to bed leik normal and hoping u dont wake up

my day has been like that. i dont no what i want from leife and everyone around me expexts to much from me. i feel so smothered all the time.

JUST LET ME BE ME WHILE I AM STILL ON THIS EARTH OK????????????????????

Curent mood: Depressed and angry :(
Current music: every song by Linkin Park ever written.