Ikea.
Yesterday my nose began bleeding while I was showering.
As I watched the blood mix with the water and swirl away down the drain I realized that somehow, for some reason, I've never felt closer to death.
And I don't mean at that moment because of the bleeding or anything. I mean, it's a feeling I've had for the past couple weeks and it's something that at that time finally hit me.
For the first time in a long time I feel, for some reason, that I'm actually running out of time.
It is a weird way to feel. Like my body is trying to tell me something, maybe. Or maybe not. It's all surely in my head because all they are is thoughts.
So I am constructing a list of things I'd like to see or do before I die. Here are a few excerpts in no real order:
- See Mogwai play live. This would be one of the greatest moments for me. To sit there and revel in the beauty is something I would not soon forget. Seems like I'd have to go to Scotland for this. If they ever come anywhere near here, I am going. Trevor is coming with me.
- Get shot. No, seriously. Don't ask why. I want to know what it feels like to be shot. If there was a way to get a guarantee of not dying or getting very seriously injured, I would have someone shoot me. I don't know where would be best, really, I'm guessing maybe in the ass would be safest. But it might not hurt as much. I don't know. I'll think about it.
- Visit Iceland. You may or may not already know this is one of my wants. Very possible, too. It's just one of those things you keep putting off. Telling yourself you will plan it and look into it, but you never do. One day I will though. I'll go there and I know I'll love it.
- go deep sea fishing. I've always wanted to catch a mother fucking shark just so I can say I have.
- Learn to really play my guitar(s) and actually create something worth listening to. This sounds simple and actually is, but it's another one of those things in my life that always gets pushed aside. Hopefully this one will happen and one day Trevor and I will jam together. Maybe that guy from Calgary, too. He's alright.
- have Stephanie change her journal name to "The Legend of Stephanie: a journey through space and time" because the other one rubs me the wrong way.
And so on.
It's not as if I'd be heartbroken never having seen or done these things. They aren't goals or anything. Just thoughts and ideas and things I dream about from time to time.
I don't really know why I feel the way I do. Normally I don't care one way or the other about life and how I spend it. That's the honest truth. I'm still alive simply because I'm still alive. I do what I do because I do what I do and am fine with just existing.
I'm quite sure it will pass and by next week everything will be as it was before.
The same.
P.S. fuck nosebleeds. what the hell?
As I watched the blood mix with the water and swirl away down the drain I realized that somehow, for some reason, I've never felt closer to death.
And I don't mean at that moment because of the bleeding or anything. I mean, it's a feeling I've had for the past couple weeks and it's something that at that time finally hit me.
For the first time in a long time I feel, for some reason, that I'm actually running out of time.
It is a weird way to feel. Like my body is trying to tell me something, maybe. Or maybe not. It's all surely in my head because all they are is thoughts.
So I am constructing a list of things I'd like to see or do before I die. Here are a few excerpts in no real order:
- See Mogwai play live. This would be one of the greatest moments for me. To sit there and revel in the beauty is something I would not soon forget. Seems like I'd have to go to Scotland for this. If they ever come anywhere near here, I am going. Trevor is coming with me.
- Get shot. No, seriously. Don't ask why. I want to know what it feels like to be shot. If there was a way to get a guarantee of not dying or getting very seriously injured, I would have someone shoot me. I don't know where would be best, really, I'm guessing maybe in the ass would be safest. But it might not hurt as much. I don't know. I'll think about it.
- Visit Iceland. You may or may not already know this is one of my wants. Very possible, too. It's just one of those things you keep putting off. Telling yourself you will plan it and look into it, but you never do. One day I will though. I'll go there and I know I'll love it.
- go deep sea fishing. I've always wanted to catch a mother fucking shark just so I can say I have.
- Learn to really play my guitar(s) and actually create something worth listening to. This sounds simple and actually is, but it's another one of those things in my life that always gets pushed aside. Hopefully this one will happen and one day Trevor and I will jam together. Maybe that guy from Calgary, too. He's alright.
- have Stephanie change her journal name to "The Legend of Stephanie: a journey through space and time" because the other one rubs me the wrong way.
And so on.
It's not as if I'd be heartbroken never having seen or done these things. They aren't goals or anything. Just thoughts and ideas and things I dream about from time to time.
I don't really know why I feel the way I do. Normally I don't care one way or the other about life and how I spend it. That's the honest truth. I'm still alive simply because I'm still alive. I do what I do because I do what I do and am fine with just existing.
I'm quite sure it will pass and by next week everything will be as it was before.
The same.
P.S. fuck nosebleeds. what the hell?
posted by D. at 9:11 a.m.
4 Comments:
Well..at least I can help one of them happen.
:)
And surely another that you don't have listed. RIGHT?
PS Want to just exist with me?
PPS Let's go to Ikea someday. I want to see what the fuss is about IRL.
Nosebleeds are shit, Remember when we were walking during lunch in -30 and i bled all over the post office, the drug store and ended up buying that huge box of kleenex because they didnt have small ones.
There was like a trail of blood from the high school all the way to downtown stony hahah im suprised i made it.
Mogwai, fuck yeah, if they come within 1000km of us, ill drive. Get your guitar and come over here, ill show some basics.
Same with Iceland, one of these years we have to go. Carry a machette though, no hostel/Turistas shit happening around me.
Fishing, next summer come with me to Vancouver, me my dad and a guy we work with are heading out to do some salmon fishing, those fuckers get pretty huge.
The getting shot thing, its weird ive thought about that too, not that i want to but for some reason right where the shoulder connects to the torso seems good, just as long as you dont hit the bone in the process.
Just Giver..
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