Warning: this post might not be in chronological order and may contain a lot of spelling errors. I am tired and feel like passing out and don't give a shit.
I had my colonoscopy on Friday. It was a pretty annoying experience, but maybe not for the reasons you'd expect. Okay, mostly for the reasons you'd expect.
On thursday morning I started the preparation and had it in my head that I'd do a photo journal of the entire experience (picture shots of me on the toilet giving the thumbs up, and so on) but quickly threw that out the window. The only picture you get is the one of the horrid 4 liters of disgusting I had to consume.
To me, drinking 4 liters of anything is tough. Drinking 4 liters of something that tastes like salty, rusty water with a slightly slimy texture is nearly impossible. The aftertaste is something I don't even dare try and describe because the thought of it is very seriously turning my stomach.
I'm not expert, but Jesus Christ, it can't be that hard to at least make something that tastes like anything other than that. Fuck me. You've failed me, science.
So it was a glass of that every ten minutes for the first two liters, and then a few hours break and then repeat again for the rest.
My first poop contained what looked to be an entire ceasar salad, so I think I'm off that for the rest of my life. After that it was pretty much the consistency or water until it ran almost clear near the end.
I thought all this would surely be the worst of it.
So 10:30 the next morning I am at the hospital checking in and I am told "well, you're not on my list here" and almost strangled the old bag, but oh, how nice, she called someone and they can "fit me in anyway"
It was at that moment that I knew exactly what was going to happen. I was going to be here all fucking day waiting.
So shortly after I'm in the next room being asked some questions by a nurse who then sticks an IV in my arm and fumbles about with it causing blood to run down my arm as I lay there yet again, shaking my head.
They hook me up to some whatever the fuck it is to hydrate me and I proceed (not exaggerating) to sit in this little room with the curtain open on the uncomfortable little hospital stretcher for nearly 6 hours.
Nobody seems to want to tell me exactly what is going on or how much longer it will be...and look, I get hospitals. I do. I've never had an experience in one that didn't involve a shitload of waiting, but instead of being left to feel like I've simply been forgotten, how about telling me the doctor is extremely busy doing whatever or SOMETHING?
I'm tired out of my mind thanks to no sleep the night before. I'm fucking hungry as shit since I have had nothing to eat, but no. I'll just sit here because this delicious bag of water you have pumping into my arm is
DELIGHTFUL, thanks.
The great thing about waiting forever and getting into the frustration zone, I have to say, is that any nervous feelings fade away completely, at least for me. Instead it's just like "holy fuck, let's do this and get it over with. I want to go home" they could have brought the stuff out for me and I would have shoved it up my own ass at that point.
When I finally got whisked away I honest to god thought I was fucking dreaming which just added to the confusion.
So as these nurses are hooking me up to all this shit the doctor is asking me all these questions and then eventually tells me I'm not gonna feel a thing as they pump me full of whatever. I instantly get a little woozy but actually feel the pain. Or not so much pain but an IMMENSE pressure on my stomach, so I barely get the words "It still hurts" out of my mouth before he says something to a nurse and I assume they give me some more of that magical stuff because the next thing I know I'm in another room completely.
Anyone who's ever been put under for any kind of procedure probably knows what it's like, but I never have been and it was so odd to me that it felt as if all I did was close my eyes once and 2 seconds had passed. It's not like sleep where you wake up and at least know or feel that time has progressed. I kind of liked it.
I tried to sit up right away but found it physically impossible so I started laughing a little for some reason and then just gave up but tried again a few seconds later and some woman saw me and said "you look waaaay too good. I'm going to kick you out" and came back a bit later to yank my IV.
The doctor talked to me from behind while I was still laying, but all I can remember is that he said the scope "looked good" and that we can do a follow up thing. He may have also mentioned a biopsy. He did write some stuff down on a card and stuck it under my hospital ID thing on my wrist, but guess what? I lost it somehow anyway.
then I got dressed and stumbled over to my waiting mom who looked shocked for some reason. I must have been pretty sorry looking or something.
On the way home I recall asking for french fries and a coke and then almost instantly having some in my hands and eating maybe 5 of them.
Then I got in the door and down the stairs with the help of my mom and passed out on the couch.
Best sleep ever.
Then I woke up and went to sleep in my bed. Best sleep ever again.
As of right now I remain slightly sore in the expected areas but its not too bad. I am still absolutely tired and slightly wonky feeling. Like I could sleep all day everyday for as long as I want. I don't know if that's normal or not, but I suppose whatever they knocked me out with probably affects people differently. I don't know.
I guess I kind of don't mind. I'll probably sleep wonderfully again today.
So really, all that waiting was almost the worst part. I think at one point my mom complained to somebody (she's like that, and was upset when she came back to the hospital thinking I'd be done and waiting already) because the doctor, before sticking things up my ass, made mention that if he heard any complaints from me or my mother that he'd throttle her because he just spent hours trying to save someone's life. I laughed.
But it now kind of annoys me. I'd never say my time is more important than anyone else. Ever. It's the fact that people there are told absolutely nothing and left to wait for hours and hours that is the annoying part.
So truly, a colonoscopy ain't nothin'. Lay there and let them knock you out while someone sodomizes you. Whatever. Sign me up for another. I'm just not drinking that stuff ever again.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a bed to get back to.
