For Emily

Dear Emily,

I'd like to start this letter by appologizing for two things.

The first being the fact that it has been so long since I wrote to you last. Things have been hectic as of late. I've tried my best to become a better person in these trying times, but it isn't easy.

Nothing is easy these days.

Why is it, Emily, that bad things happen so often to good people?

Why do those bad things create an echo that disturbs more than just the person they were meant to disturb?

I'm finding it hard to mute the echo so that nobody else gets distrurbed when these things happen to me. It's like we used to talk about, Emily.

I can't not feel what I feel and do what I do. God knows I've tried, but I'm not wired that way.

I feel I should also appologize about how I sounded last time.

I've been to the darkest places a human mind can journey and I'm trying to find the light.

Emily, you mean the world to me. Without you I'd surely be dead or dying in a dark alley somewhere. I appreciate the person you are and the sacrifices you've made. The last thing I ever wanted to do was come on too strong.

You once told me that life is often about diving in head first. Like it is sometimes nessecary to make a big splash and let everything else fall into place. To take risks is to be alive, that sort of thing.

I don't know if those were lines from one of your books or not, but I've found quite often that moving too fast through life isn't the best course of action.

You'd argue that I'm not one to talk of such things, but I feel I've had my back up against a wall for more often than anyone deserves.

It's a matter of survival for me, Emily.

I know you're curious where I am and how I am living, for reasons that don't need explaining, I cannot tell you.

I miss your voice and the time we spent close together. The way you'd brush the hair from your face when I exasperated you. Or how you'd adjust your glasses when you felt like the topic of conversation was hitting too close to home.

I'm no fool. There are things you can't learn from books, Emily. You're figuring out that much, I'm certain.

I have to say despite this all being new and challenging to me, things are okay right now, aside from the nagging feeling that I'm just buying time, that at any moment something could happen that causes the world to echo, upsetting everyone around me once again.

Someone not of your character might urge me to start the battle early, to land a sucker punch. but you've taught me otherwise.

I'll fight when I'm once again ready to fight. When I have to fight.

When the chips are truly down, that, Emily, is the time to swing away.

- You know who