Endless
You know what the worst part of, well...Life is?
remembering moments and situations where you had several choices and taking the ones that you thought were smart. The sort of choices that were never the most rewarding right away, but for whatever reason, felt right.
And now, it's easy to see you fucked up. You play those moments over and over in your head wondering what it would have been like if you'd have explored one of those other choices.
It hurts because the opportunity is gone. It isn't coming back, and so you continually beat yourself up over it and wonder to yourself why you happen to be so fucking stupid.
You're fucking stupid because you've done it more than once, and you told yourself "try it the other way next time" a thousand times, but when the chance came, you blew it.
Too afraid to take a risk. Too afraid to maybe throw away what you had even though it could have led to something a whole lot more satisfying than what surrounds you now.
Some people would say "get over it" but it isn't that easy.
Surely enough, life is made up of these moments. One after another, I'm smart enough to know that.
That doesn't make it any easier to deal with or offer any sort of comfort.
It just makes life feel even more like a fucked up dead end.
remembering moments and situations where you had several choices and taking the ones that you thought were smart. The sort of choices that were never the most rewarding right away, but for whatever reason, felt right.
And now, it's easy to see you fucked up. You play those moments over and over in your head wondering what it would have been like if you'd have explored one of those other choices.
It hurts because the opportunity is gone. It isn't coming back, and so you continually beat yourself up over it and wonder to yourself why you happen to be so fucking stupid.
You're fucking stupid because you've done it more than once, and you told yourself "try it the other way next time" a thousand times, but when the chance came, you blew it.
Too afraid to take a risk. Too afraid to maybe throw away what you had even though it could have led to something a whole lot more satisfying than what surrounds you now.
Some people would say "get over it" but it isn't that easy.
Surely enough, life is made up of these moments. One after another, I'm smart enough to know that.
That doesn't make it any easier to deal with or offer any sort of comfort.
It just makes life feel even more like a fucked up dead end.
posted by D. at 6:15 a.m.
4 Comments:
(And then I whisper ohsoveryalluringly...)
cooooooooome to meeeeeeeee....
PS I'm just nodding my head because I know what you mean. And I hate replaying those moments. They're haunting. And feeling haunted is worse than disturbing at times.
I empathize with you Dan. I've been down similar roads, and they are haunting. It's even worse when you made a choice and thought that it was inconsequential, and it ended up being the deal-breaker.
Butterfly effects and the great white expanse, my friend, that's all it is. Not enough people learn from the past these days, but learning and living in it are two different things.
I'm expecting one of these mornings, I'll wake up to a big "Game Over, Retry?" screen. I'll be able to go back to the beginning and take all the right steps, rather than all the steps I thought were right. But that's just my fancy. We'll all be alright in the end, which is ironic to the present situation.
So swear it off. Swear until Jesus himself has to cover his ears. Learn your lesson, bury the past, and then grab yourself a pint. There is no consolation prizes in life, but you're still here, and that means you can still do something. Not everyone is a chronic risk taker, and I know for a fact that you are like me, and risk is not something we take lightly. But we can still seize the day.
I’ve done the same, but kicking yourself isn’t a solution to nothing. The main point is that you learn by your mistakes. All I can offer is the old age proverb “life isn’t fair”, but I guess that is what builds the person that is inside of you. The way I look at is what if I did go the other route would it make me any happier? Most likely not.
Sometimes I wish there was a button I could push where the past would disappear, so there wouldn’t be anything to dwell on.
...coooooooooome to meeeeeeeeee.
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