6.4.05
Alright.
I've never been one to call myself "depressed" in fact, I think it's a horribly overused word people think they need to say whenever they are in a slump.
for 21 years whenever I've been in a "slump", the answer to the question "what's wrong?" has always been "nothing"
I wonder how long a person has to feel like I do to be able to say they are depressed and not be made fun of or be seen as simply in a "mood".
I also wonder how long it's supposed to take before the "happy face" I wear (we all do) gets dissolved and seen through.
Why is it that the only time I feel truly at peace is when I'm sleeping? And why is it that the first thing I feel when I wake up is that strange uncertain feeling eating away somewhere deep in my stomach?
Feeling crappy (physically) and having time off work does very little to help anything. I'm sitting here, my throat completely numb, and all I can do is juggle the same old thoughts and feelings around in my head.
I've tried to fix it. I've tried going out and being alive. It does nothing for me. And people wonder why I am the way I am.
I'm not one to ask for help. I'm not one to place everything on the table and say "here I am" and "here's what is bothering me" and I think that is a problem. I feel I don't need anyone.
People come and go, anyway, so it matters very little.
I've put faith into people, ideas, thoughts and so on and have seem a great deal of them disappear altogether, but not before offering a false sense of something that just might be a reason to stay put together.
It's like one step forward and two steps back. The fact that this happens repeatedly is even more crushing.
I never learn.
I guess this has now officially become that generic internet blog that features a depressed, sad 20-something writing for no reason and to nobody in particular.
Tough shit, because like so many other things, I don't give a fuck.
Goodnight.
I've never been one to call myself "depressed" in fact, I think it's a horribly overused word people think they need to say whenever they are in a slump.
for 21 years whenever I've been in a "slump", the answer to the question "what's wrong?" has always been "nothing"
I wonder how long a person has to feel like I do to be able to say they are depressed and not be made fun of or be seen as simply in a "mood".
I also wonder how long it's supposed to take before the "happy face" I wear (we all do) gets dissolved and seen through.
Why is it that the only time I feel truly at peace is when I'm sleeping? And why is it that the first thing I feel when I wake up is that strange uncertain feeling eating away somewhere deep in my stomach?
Feeling crappy (physically) and having time off work does very little to help anything. I'm sitting here, my throat completely numb, and all I can do is juggle the same old thoughts and feelings around in my head.
I've tried to fix it. I've tried going out and being alive. It does nothing for me. And people wonder why I am the way I am.
I'm not one to ask for help. I'm not one to place everything on the table and say "here I am" and "here's what is bothering me" and I think that is a problem. I feel I don't need anyone.
People come and go, anyway, so it matters very little.
I've put faith into people, ideas, thoughts and so on and have seem a great deal of them disappear altogether, but not before offering a false sense of something that just might be a reason to stay put together.
It's like one step forward and two steps back. The fact that this happens repeatedly is even more crushing.
I never learn.
I guess this has now officially become that generic internet blog that features a depressed, sad 20-something writing for no reason and to nobody in particular.
Tough shit, because like so many other things, I don't give a fuck.
Goodnight.
posted by D. at 5:23 p.m.
4 Comments:
There's that feeling there, that you (yourself) are the only constant, and that everyone else is going on their own ways, and despite the lip-service, you know that no matter what they do, they aren't there for you. You are alone in your own mind.
I would say that it gets better, but (the other) people don't get better. They make excuses, look at the ground, and shuffle their feet. Promises are only worth the air wasted on them, and largely, you have to suppress the smirk everytime someone tries to say something reassuring, because the bullshit is sticking to their teeth.
Feelings are something inside each of us, and the only people who can deal with it are the ones who created them. D, I'm not going to offer help, because there is literally no help to give. What's in your head is something for you to wrestle with, and if it doesn't break you, it'll make you stronger.
But perhaps you found this little bit I wrote slightly humorous, in a dark sort of way. I always liked dark humour when I'm in a "slump." Maybe you will too.
Feelings are something inside each of us, and the only people who can deal with it are the ones who created them. D, I'm not going to offer help, because there is literally no help to give. What's in your head is something for you to wrestle with, and if it doesn't break you, it'll make you stronger.
Ditto.
And I know you don't feel like you need anyone, and maybe you don't.
But you have someone. Whether you take advantage of it or not, and whether you like it or not.
I am not sure what to write here, except maybe some past experience and maybe some comfort in the fact that you’re not alone. What you need to do is find something that works for you. For me, I write this shit down, I don’t care how messed up or deranged a thought you have in this state write it down, I have a whole notebook filled with reasons, questions, and thoughts as to why I feel that way. For me that helps to get it off my chest. I am sure if someone ever found it or read it I would be sent to a mental hospital, and pumped full of anti-depressants. But it keeps me relatively sane.
The word “depressed” nowadays means nothing, everyone seems to be depressed, it reminds way to much of Brain Candy, except it isn’t even funny anymore.
I like what Stephanie wrote so I will reiterate it.
And I know you don't feel like you need anyone, and maybe you don't.
But you have someone. Whether you take advantage of it or not, and whether you like it or not.
Interesting to note the flow of these comments. Very interesting. (From a communications perspective.)
Post a Comment
<< Home